Action 52 – Angry Video Game Nerd – Episode 90

Action 52 – Angry Video Game Nerd – Episode 90

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It’s a Nintoaster. And yes, it works. He’s gonna take you back to the past To play the shitty games that suck ass He’d rather have a buffalo Take a diarrhea dump in his ear He’d rather eat the rotten asshole Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer He’s the angriest gamer you’ve ever heard He’s the Angry Nintendo Nerd He’s the Angry Atari Sega Nerd He’s the Angry Video Game Nerd Are you ready for some action? Some Action 52? I suppose so, because I get requests for this game all the time, like this one right here. “Action 52. Fuck this game, please do a review of it. You asshole. Thanks.” Wow. I guess I gotta do it now. Let’s start with the cartridge. It’s the freak misfit of the NES library. Games came in gray, black, blue, silver, gold, but clear? You can tell just by looking at it, this is a game that’s so bad, it has nothing to hide. Another thing, if you play it for more than an hour, not that you’d want to, it gets really hot and smells like burning plastic. It’s not because of the toaster. The same thing happens if you play it in the top-loader. Not only is this game crap, but it’s crap that comes with a price: $199. That’s a lot of money, but there’s 52 games, so let me calculate this. $199 divided by 52 equals… uh… well, you gotta pay tax, too, so let’s just say $4 a game. Wow. What a deal! 52 action-packed games bundled into one cartridge? All for an efficient price? It was every kid’s dream. More games! More games! Yeah! Lights… …camera… …Action 52! Awww! Where’d they get the music? [hip-hop] Okay, um, the significance? “It Takes Two”, Action 52? [GAME] Make your selection now. [AVGN] Well, let’s get this thing started. We’re gonna have ourselves a little marathon here and determine if the $199 was worth it. Game #1, “Firebreather”. Okay, well, it’s pretty self-explanatory. And would you know this is the only game on the entire cartridge that’s two players only? Gee, which game should we start with? Well, how ’bout the only game you can’t play alone? Well, that’s $4 wasted already. #2, “Starevil”. Who’s gonna dodge that?! Nobody! Not the first time! You’d have to know, “Oh, this is gonna be a vertical 2D shooter,” “and there’s gonna be an obstacle immediately at the start of the game.” That’s one way to get you on your toes. Other than that, it’s real easy. As long as you keep firing, none of the enemies come anywhere near you. I guess that makes sense. If I was an intergalactic vacuum cleaner getting shot at, I’d be like “Oh, fucking hell!” “There’s a menorah shooting Q-Tips, get outta the way!” Not even the first level boss wants to be involved. Sometimes, it doesn’t show up at all, and you’re stuck in a dead-end. What happened? Did the game give up? Ugh, that’s another $4. Next. #3, “Illuminator”. You’re not even allowed to see in this game? Real fun idea. For a room that has about a thousand lightbulbs, it sure goes dark a lot. And they’re just decoration. Thought you could light a room with a light? No, you gotta kill vampires. But after you’ve killed one, you only get one second before the room goes dark again. Who wants to play a game that’s pitch black? It’s so black I can see my reflection in the screen. The question is, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. And no, you can’t go any higher. This is it. Great fucking game. #4, “G-Force Fgt.” …what? Or, just “G-Force”. It’s another 2D shooter. You know what? This would be okay for Atari 2600. The only two controls are move and shoot. This game was made in 1991, the same year Super NES came out. Not to mention, if you want to play a good 2D side-scroller game on the NES, try fuckin’ Lifeforce. And what is this anyway? An inside-out dolphin shooting at roadkill toads? I don’t know, I’m just using my imagination. That’s all you have when you play this miserable pile of goat shit. #5, “Ooze”. [sarcasm] Oh, wow! A title screen? Really? [normal] Oh my god, it’s… it’s… Shitpickle shitpickle shitpickle… Whoa-hoa! …shitpickle shitpickle shitpickle… Whoa! …shitpickle… Pickle! Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-shit. Ahahahah. Shitpickle. Alrighty then, okay. Well, this is the first game that uses the B button. For jumping! Any gamer who grew up with Super Mario Bros. expects A to jump. But that’s the least of our worries. To jump over a hole, you have to tap the B button, and then press over. If you’re holding the B button, like you normally would, it locks you vertically, until you let go. It’s an anomaly of game programming. You know what’s really weird? Whenever you restart the menu, it always starts at Ooze. Is that the programmers’ personal recommendation? Well, so far, every one of these games is a bomb! But out of 52, I’m sure that eventually we’ll find one that’s decent. I hope! #6, “Silver Sword”. Well, green, green, and more green. What is this? A cabbage patch on a golf course? Infested with killer scrotums? This is a disgrace to the NES, the same platform that brought us games like Legend of Zelda. Silver Sword. The sword isn’t even silver! Maybe it’s corroded. #7, “Critical BP.” Or “Crytical Bypass”. Oh, now it’s spelled with a Y? Ugh, that’s dreadful. It’s like an optical illusion. Well, that’s pretty bad, when the game causes eyestrain and you can’t even fucking look at it. What is this, anyway? A pogo ball on a Segway shooting at birthday presents? Ugh, Crytical Bypass! It’s critical that you bypass this game! #8, “Jupiter Scope”. Nice. Another space shooter. This time, you’re a dead whale shooting at flaming condoms. That’s what it looks like! The screen never moves. It’s like Space Invaders, except without many invaders. Half the time, you’re just sitting around waiting! Come on, give me something to shoot at! Losing at this game is impossible. Just hold down the fire button and move back and forth. Okay, what’s next? #9, “Alfredo”. Or, “Alfred n’ the Fettuc”. Yeah, fettuc! You never heard of fettuc? What happened? Where’s the fucking game? [crickets] Well, there’s no game here. What happened? Did the programmers pass out, or did they just figure nobody would check all 52 games? Well, that’s $4 wasted. But I guess I can’t say I’m really too excited over playing a game called Alfredo, also known as “Alfred n’ the Fettuc”. #10, “Operation Full Moon”. Now that’s puke green if I ever saw it. The nauseating hue combined with a texture of vomit makes me think that this game ate Silver Sword and barfed it out. #11, “Dam Busters”. Those damn busters. Well, it should’ve been called “Alien Beaver Tomato Fight”. That’s all it is! You’re a beaver shooting tomatoes and navigating through a maze. Oops, dead end. What the shit? You can’t go back?! I’m trapped?! You’re shitting me! This game is shitting me. #12, “Thrusters”. Another space shooter. Well, it’s the same game as before, just different graphics. Where do they come up with these objects? I’m running out of imagination here. I can’t decipher anything- especially when the game starts having a fucking seizure! #13, “Haunted Hill”. Wow, a human being. I can’t believe it actually looks like something. Man, her boobs are bigger than her head. It’s a shitty side-scroller with the same bad controls as Ooze. Sadly, it’s the best game so far. Out of the way, you fucking ghosts, here comes Mrs. Tits, jumping like she’s on the moon! Die, you onion face balloon floating, uh… thing! I died? By touching the air?! #14, “Chill Out”. I wish I could chill out! This is horrendous! This one’s basically an Eskimo snowball massacre. Climb down shits and ladders and throw snowballs. What this? I died in mid-air?! That seems to be a theme we’re running into here. This game… doesn’t even care it sucks. Gee, how much money did we waste so far? Like, $56, I think? That’s already exceeded the average price of a Nintendo game. #15, “Sharks”. Yeah. Sharks. Sometimes sharks. Most of the time not. Well, you’re stuck on this one screen, but you sure have full rein. You can swim through the ocean floor. And that’s all it is. Just hope for sharks to come and… shoot ’em. #16, “Megalonia”. Another space shooter?! Flying through McDonald’s arches? No thanks! #17, “French Baker”. Oh, man! You’re a chef and the kitchen is really getting out of hand. Everything’s trying to kill you, hoagies, envelopes, and doughnuts. And what do you do? Hit ’em with your rolling pin, and don’t drop down. You’ll disintegrate. That’s always nice. #18, “Atmos Quake”. Ugh, another space shooter?! I pass. [sigh] I’m only up to #19? Geez… fuck! #19, “Meong”. What… the… fuck?! Okay, get this. You move from square to square, hoping that the next square won’t make you explode. So, it’s like a memory game that can only be done with trial and error. Good lord. #20, “Space Dreams”. Oh, my! What’s this gonna be? Why, of course! Another space shooter! This time, you’re a pacifier shooting at weird dolls, rabbits, and safety pins. Safety pins as enemies in a video game… Where do they come up with this stuff? Gee, what kind of enemy could I have for this game? I have 32 games left I have to program, so I have to hurry up. Ah, safety pin! That’ll be perfect! [typing] Next game. #21, “Streemerz”. You’re a clown climbing up platforms like Spider-Man. Ooh, a rabbit in a hat. What does that do? Nothing at all. A bag of money? How about that? It turns into a green frowning face? Is that supposed to teach you a lesson that taking money is greedy? No, I think I’m reading way too deep into it. Oh, then the game crashes. Good. #22, “Spread Fire”. What is this? They should’ve called this “Shooter Games 52”! This time, you’re a lobster. You don’t go anywhere, and half the time, there’s nothing to shoot at. These kind of games must have been the easiest to design. Make a black background, cover it in dots, and call it space. You know what? It’s getting old. #23, “Bublgum Rosy”. Or, “Bubble Gum Rossie.” [sarcasm] Yay! I’ve always wanted to play a game where I’m a little girl shooting bubbles! [normal] Wait a minute, you can’t even kill people? Well, what do you expect? They’re bubbles. You can jump on the enemies. Or wait… can you? And falling in spikes… doesn’t hurt you. This game… has no rules. #24, “Micro Mike”. Wow! Look out, Micro Mike! You’re going too fast! Even if you have the quickest reflexes, you’ll never be able to avoid the walls or other random objects that stand in your way. If only Micro Mike would slow the fuck down! #25, “Underground”. Well, at least it looks like underground. Wait a minute, this guy can fall down 50 feet and survive, but if he touches the mushrooms, he spins around like a bowling pin and dies? And what am I supposed to do here? What do I do? Wow, 25 shitty games… and still going. This is an endurance, man. I’ve never played such a huge compilation of crap in my life. Was the whole idea to make so many shitty games that there’d be no more shitty games left to make? Out of all these, there’s got to be at least one that’s… tolerable. #26, “Rocket Jock”. Or, “Rocket Jockey”. [sigh] You’re a cowboy on a rocket with a lasso. If you actually used the lasso, that would be kinda cool. But I guess they figured they didn’t have enough games that shoot. Yeah, kill those cows. Turn them into, uh… a bowl of cereal with a puppy dog. #27, “Non Human”. Well, isn’t that an appropriate title? Everything about these games are non-human. Except for that very human-like face. Or are they aliens? What are these for? Other than the faces just being the area where you die, which takes up half the screen. Ugh, you know you’re playing a great game when you can’t even jump over a hole. Augh, you can try all day, but you’ll always fall down into the purple dimension of green faces. #28, “Cry Baby”. By now, you’d be crying, so it’s like the game is mocking you. Okay, what’s wrong with this picture? Baby, adult? Baby, adult? And what about him, huh? What the hell is going on here? Why does the floor look like ice cube trays? What are you attacking with? Why do you die when you fall off the furniture? Why? What? Why? #29, “Slashers”. Uh, Slashers? I thought it would be like a horror game. Instead, it’s a poor man’s version of Double Dragon. Saying that is being extremely generous. It makes Bad Dudes look like a masterpiece. At least the backgrounds change. What are these? Beer steins? You’re not even allowed to walk past anybody. When an enemy appears, you stop dead in your tracks and can’t move until you have a punching match to the death. There’s zero strategy, you just mash buttons. And what are these, hookers? I guess this guy doesn’t understand the concept of a hooker. You’re supposed to fuck her, not fuck her up. Ungh, ungh, ungh! Die, boob lady! Ugh! #30, “Crazy Shuffle”. Could the characters be any smaller? You’re a tiny, indescribable object shooting tiny dots at other tiny objects. Sounds like fun? Well, guess what, it isn’t. #31, “Fuzz Power”. Well, fuzz is right. You’re some guy with a big nose, big feet, and lots of fuzz. You roll around fighting blow dryers and hair combs. What’s that, popcorn? Oh, no! I’m getting hit! I’m losing my fuzz! Now I’m… naked. Yeah. Whoever came up with this is an asshole! Whoever came up with this is an ass[bleep]! Ass! Hole? Ass[bleep]! Television makes a lot of sense. #32, “Shooting Gallery”. The easiest shooting game ever. The targets never disappear until you hit them, there’s no time limit, you never run out of ammo, and you can’t die. Which means the game will never end. Fortunately, you can go back to the menu by pausing the game and hitting Select. Ugh, except for this game. The one fucking game that doesn’t end crashes when you try to quit. Reset. #33, “Lollipops”. Are you kidding me? Why not a sword or a machine gun? Who wants a fucking lollipop? How do you climb up a ladder? Wanna take a guess? Pushing Up on the D-pad? No, you jump. Who the hell jumps up a ladder? And you know what? The controls in all these games are so bad, I’ve forgotten that B is jump and A is attack. I’ve been playing for so long, I’ve sort of adapted to its crap factor. I swear, next time I play a regular platformer, I’m gonna try jumping with B. #34, “Evil Empire”. Ugh, game sprites so small you need a magnifying glass? That seems to be a theme here, too. Look at that. There’s some crazy shit going on over there. I wanna join the party. Oops, dying in mid-air. I can understand dying because you’re jumping from too high, but can’t they at least make you die when you hit the ground? #35, “Sombreros”. Well, I guess you’re wearing a sombrero, shooting at vacuum cleaners on the street. Not much to say. I’ve lost all hope. 52 games, they all probably suck. I could think of some pretty bad games, like Little Red Hood, that’s a horrible game, but at least it’s one horrible game, not 52! You know what’s more fun than playing Action 52? 52-card pickup. You know how you play that? Pick up the cards! #36, “Storm Over the Desert”. Ooh, another title screen. So you’re an army tank shooting at other army tanks which happen to be pink. Also, there’s no way to die. Anything you touch will explode. Those pink tanks are fucking pussies. What the hell? A giant Saddam Hussein? How did they fuck up the scale this bad? The soldiers aren’t giant, so why Saddam? Now I’m getting tired of this. Can someone at least try to kill me? Hey, you! You! Get over here! Ungh! Pause and Select, get me out of here. Well, at least we’re in the home stretch. The third and final menu screen. Another thing that gets incredibly annoying, whenever you die or reset, you have to go back to the first menu every single time. So it’s hard to keep track where you left off. #37, “Mash Man”. Well, Mash Man looks like Fuzz Power with clothes on. Jumping on eyeballs in front of Legoland. Ugh, next game. #38, “They Came”. They… came from where? From space? No, that can’t be. Ugh, next. #39, “Lazer League”. Well, I’m glad they spelled “lazer” with a Z. Because that’s how you say it. You don’t say “laser”. By the way, horizontal 2D space shooter. Next. #40, “Billy Bob”. This is different. It’s like Indiana Jones, except it’s Billy Bob. I’m kind of stunned that this game has some fluent animation here. Of course. I should’ve learned. In Action 52, you cannot jump down. You will hit the air so hard you will die. You can’t jump to the ledge, either. That doesn’t work. And if you stand there too long, you die! So, how do you get over? I don’t know. Second screen of the game, and it’s a dead end. #41, “City of Doom”. You’re climbing the tallest building in the world, while the tenants throw bowling balls at you. That’s it. It goes on… and on… and on. How tall is this building?! It must lead into outer space- Oh, no. Please, please, not space. #42, “Bits and Pieces”. Ooh. A monster game. You’re a guy in a cemetery jumping over monsters. That’s it. You jump… and jump… and jump. You know what would be nice? An attack? Or, how about a health bar? How about anything like a normal fucking game? What were they thinking? #43, “Beeps and Blips”. You’re a shape shooting at other shapes. What are these? Reject sprites from other video games thrown together? #44, “Manchester”. A guy jumping on music boxes punching in the air. I don’t get it. #45, “Boss”. Who would think Boss means a frog running around with a gun getting ambushed by falling bombs? That’s what they should’ve called it, Bombs. There’s no way to avoid them! If you go too early, the bomb gets you. If you go too late, the next one gets you. #46, “Dedant”. You’re an ant trying to make other ants “Dedants”. Like the Pink Panther. [singing the Pink Panther theme] Dedant. Dedant. Dedant, dedant, dedant, dedant. [normal] But if the ants make it to the bottom of the screen, you’re fucked. Because you can only move left and right. What makes this ant different from the rest? Oh, it’s pink. And anything pink in this game sucks. #47, “Hambo”. A pig version of Rambo? No, that would’ve been too clever. It’s just a guy jumping over 8-balls and shit. Or trying to jump over. This is fucking horseshit! How did they fuck up the jumping controls so bad? Have the programmers ever played another video game? Moving on. #48, “Time Warp Tickers”. You’re a pair of fingers in checkerboard land with upside down doors. What kind of drugs were they on? Was this game even made by a human being? “Time?” When you kill things, it says “Time?” What does that mean? Time to play another fucking game? #49, “Jigsaw”. It crashed. Oh, thank god. Next game. #50, “Ninja Assault”. Another beat ’em up, if you even call it that. No strategy. You just mash buttons. [imitating game sound effects] Hough! Hough! Hough! #51, “Robbie the Robot”. More like “Robbie the Sunglass-Wearing Bart Simpson Look-Alike in a Blue Dress”. Guess how this game works? You move to the right and shoot. That’s all. Nothing can stop you. You could literally play this game with your eyes closed. Until the second level, when there’s holes. Now you’re screwed. I can’t believe they sold this shitfest for $199! That’s about how much it costs for a video game console, pretty much. You could take $199, stand on a bridge, and just throw it all away! You’d rather do anything then spend it on a broken down, dysfuctional disaster of video game programming! With games that crash, hideous jumping control, random characters, microscopic sprites, a marathon of mediocre space shooters, dying in mid-air, problems with proportion, misleading titles, misleading power-ups, embarrassing weapons, seizure-inducing backgrounds, lack of enemies, games you can’t win, games you can’t lose, games that make no sense whatsoever, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty menus, and a fuckton of other things! It should’ve been illegal for them to sell this rotten shitload of putrid fuck for any price! I feel humiliated to live on the same planet as someone who designed an electronic abomination of this magnitude! Could they have tried making one good game? As opposed to 52 horrible games? Quality over quantity. That’s our lesson here. Well, there’s one game left, so it has one last chance to redeem itself. Could this be the one that all the effort went into? Could there be a cherry on top of this shit sundae? We can only hope.

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